Well that was confusing + catch up

Hi! I’m back with a post after a 5 month absence. Did you miss me? (Don’t answer that, I’ll just assume you did).

I’ve decided to write a post this morning to round up a little bit about what’s been going on.

So I took a hiatus from online dating, I’m not even sure how many months it was, but probably almost 4. The first thing to say is that I think this is an excellent idea for anyone who is in a place where they’re sick of online dating. Just take a break. Get away from your smartphone or your computer, you won’t miss out on “The One” while you’re away. The same freaks people will still be there when you return, fear not.

During this hiatus, I tried to get out into the world more. I went to more social events, I met some nice people, a few of them girls, and it felt just like the old days when people used to go out and bump into people and start talking.

I confess I did not go out as much as I wanted or perhaps should have. I was focusing on work (got a promotion!) and studies (obtained a new qualification!) and then I went on holiday for a week and a half so I feel like I was focusing on the right things.

Then, a few weeks ago, I found there to be something of a lull in my life so I cracked open my online dating app of choice and it wasn’t long before I found myself going on first dates again.

I would say that since this time I have been on like 6 (is it bad that I can’t remember the number?) first dates. These are ranged from somewhere between painful and mind-numbing to mediocre and tolerable because it’s online dating and that’s what online dating seems to get me.

I won’t go into the details of all of them but there was:

The one who looked nothing like her photos. Right, what is the point of doing this? You’re wasting everyone’s time – and money. Do you think I won’t find out what you look like? Are you going to wear a photo of that head shot on our date that was taken 8 years ago when you were 5 stone lighter? Jesus Christ.

The one with whom I struggled to find any common ground. It was difficult to find any flow to the conversation, I didn’t find her very interesting and I assumed the feeling was mutual. Until the next day. I receive a message from her saying she “had a great time and would like to go out again” but got the feeling that I didn’t. Ouch. Were we on the same date?! I let her down with honesty and did not see her again.

The one who was nervous. Like a little bundle of energy, wide-eyed and kind of tiring to be around. Fidgety, nervy, seemingly anxious about something (me?) but otherwise perfectly lovely, interesting, and someone I was happy to have coffee with but had no desire to see again.

The one who wouldn’t look at me. Actually better looking than her photos, which was a surprise. Fairly easy to talk to but she had this weird thing where her eyes would dart around the room while I was talking or while she was talking. It was very very distracting and I would say actually quite rude. I’m not expecting permanent fixed eye contact, but imagine having a conversation with something and their eyes keep being drawn to whatever’s going on behind and around you. I mean, I’ve been out with some fucking boring people but I always do them the courtesy of paying attention to them.

The other first dates were instantly forgettable (at least the ones I can remember were anyway), the kind of dates where within 3 days you can’t even remember their names anymore.

So, what has the title of this post got to do with anything I’ve written so far? Nothing. I was just catching you up and giving you some context.

Just after I re-opened the dating app, I went out on a Friday night. I went to a pub and met a group of people. And it was there that I met this girl.

We started talking and we got along straight away. Effortless chat and lots of laughter. All the signs were there: the subtle (not so subtle) arm touching, the laughing at all my jokes, the talking much more to me despite us both being part of a larger group, the waitress asking us (after a mix up with the drinks bill) in almost disbelief “have you two just met?” such was our apparent level of connection.

I ask her out and we see each other on what I guess was the first proper date the following weekend. We have a great time, we pick up where we left off and I’m getting some good vibes about this girl.

The following weekend comes around, we go out again and, again, we have a good night and have fun together. Throughout this period, I’m still going on the aforementioned dates, by the way. It’s not like I’m going to pin all my hopes on this one girl so I continue to arrange dates even if when I go on them, they’re disappointing. Disappointing in general but also disappointing in comparison to this other girl.

Another weekend comes along, and we see each other again. Our conversations consist of all kinds of things, from the goofy and immature, to the personal and deep. We talk about family, childhood and I’m opening up as much as I’m comfortable with because it’s nice she’s interested and also a positive sign.

The next weekend I am away the entire time, the one after that she’s away. We text intermittently and semi-regularly; neither one of us are people who like having their phones glued to their hands.

Then I suggest plans for the following weekend and……….. nothing. Silence.

It’s the strangest thing and I have to admit it has confused me. When I think about how affectionate she was and certain moments together, it’s hard not to wonder if I totally misread or misunderstood her. But then I think, no. Surely not. I can’t have misinterpreted things to such a great extent. Like I said, I did not put all my eggs in this basket, I continued to arrange dates with other people but despite that I am still disappointed with how this ended.

Partly because purely on a human level I was enjoying being with her and doing things with her. But also because I’m confused and it’s left me wondering if I can actually trust my judgement of people. Like, she could just text me and tell me she’s met someone else or doesn’t feel like we’re the right fit, or she’s emigrating or she’s an alien from the planet zorgatron, pretty much anything would be fine.

Now that I’ve written all this down, I’m kind of reading it back and thinking, “dude, you met a girl, went out with her a few times, had some fun, and now it’s finished, get over it.” And I totally understand that point of view, and I totally understand (now) that modern dating can and will consist of ghosting at any time, no matter how much of a connection you think there is. I think this is why I continued going on first dates – to protect myself and make sure I have other prospects.

I’m not a cynic by nature and I’m not ready to be turned into one by modern day dating (I was going to write “online dating” then but remembered I met this girl offline!) so I guess I’ll file this under Lessons Learned and see what tomorrow brings. As I type this, I have just received a message from someone new. Always look forward.

Cheers.

Marriage, mortgages and minors – you’ll find none of them here

I had a birthday last week that saw me edging even deeper into my 30s. So I went out and drank way more than I could handle in the company of a bunch of friends that I have known since university. I don’t see these people very much anymore, especially not altogether, and it was fucking excellent.

As we sat in the Indian restaurant being rowdy and eating our various biryanis and bhunas, talk got around to people’s various marital statuses. At the table, there was: married, mortgage, child and plans for child 2; there was married and mortgage;  there was long-term girlfriend living together; there was engaged and pregnant fiancee; and there was married, mortgage and 1 child.

You can see why it’s rare for this group to get together all at once – they’re busy impregnating their wives, planning weddings, and purchasing properties.

After the dust settled on my mate telling us his fiancee was pregnant, the focus inevitably fell on me. And let me tell you, I got a fucking grilling. I don’t know if it was because I recently watched the movie “Goodfellas” or whether it was the bottles of Cobra coursing through my veins but my reaction was something akin to an Italian mobster from New Jersey. Picture hands flailing upwards, shoulders shrugging, eyebrows raising, and phrases like “What? What do you want from me? Come on! I don’t know why I don’t have any of that!” Etc and so on.

It was all good natured and good humoured really but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit left out/behind. The fact is I don’t have an answer as to why I don’t have any of the things my friends have, my path since we all graduated has just been completely different to theirs. When they were getting jobs, enrolling in pension schemes, and setting themselves up for the next 10 years of their lives, I was travelling the world. A lot. I guess that plays a part. Oh and that I’m fucking dreadful with women. I can’t rule that out as a factor.

I’m halfway through the probation period of a brand new job that could go either way so while they’re deciding on wedding centre pieces or whether they’d prefer their kid to have a brother or sister, I’m either at work trying to prove that I am worth hanging onto or sat at home wondering whether I should give The Wire another go even though I couldn’t get into it first time around.

Suffice it to say, we’re not so much on different chapters as we are reading different books when it comes to the whole adulting thing.

Aaaaaanyway, my plan is still to just go out more and do more shit socially this year. Shamefully, I’ve only managed to do that once so far in 2018, which is a poor showing. The problem is that the most common events to go to and the ones that enable you to meet a lot of new people involve ludicrously overpriced drinks in bars and clubs with terrible music and dance floors – and this is just so not my scene. And if that makes me sound old, sue me. I’m fresh out of shits to give.

I get on really well with one of my work colleagues. Even though I do think she’s hot, she’s not someone I would ever date but we do make each other laugh all the time but I’m moving to another office now so I’m no longer going to be working with her which is a real shame as I won’t see her again. It’s so rare to click with someone at work in that way but they’re the sort of conditions I need to be able to build a relationship – whether it’s a friendship or something more. Not some strobe lit, vodka soaked hellhole with half the people in there being individuals I wouldn’t piss on if they were on fire.

So I need to find other things to go to. It’s just so tiring, isn’t it? Meeting new people and trying to make new connections at my age? On the one hand, I cannot be arsed but on the other hand is a lifetime of solitude and boredom. So, yeah, I have to be arsed. Otherwise we all know what will happen. It’ll be back to online dating.

So that was 2017 and something new for 2018

That year went quick, didn’t it? I started the blog 2 years ago and I’m glad I did. It’s been fun.

There have only really been a couple of things to talk about since my last post. Well, I’ll call them people, rather than things.

Went out on 3 dates with a girl, the first 2 were good but the third one (that’s always the decisive one, isn’t it?) was not particularly fun and confirmed to me that she was not my type. I was attracted to her but she was a bit too brash and moany and opinionated for my liking. And she voted for Britain to leave the EU, which was the final nail in the coffin. I think she’s the first person I’ve met of a similar age to me that voted leave and, rightly or wrongly, I just can’t get on board with that shit.

Then there was this other girl. She’s Italian. Very Italian. And, let’s say ‘passionate’. An ‘all or nothing’ kind of a girl. I found myself meeting up with her within hours of our first message exchange from the online dating site. Which I’ve never done before. I was cautious but it was a Friday night, we agreed to meet at a bar so I thought, fuck it. Even if I’m being catfished, it’s just a 20 minute journey back home.

So I got there and there she was. Even better looking than her photos and very easy to talk to. We didn’t even bother with small talk and we were laughing away quite quickly.

We went on to a nice, chic, darkly lit cocktail lounge, had a few drinks and things escalated quite quickly after that ( a gentleman doesn’t go into detail) and this signalled to me that this would not be a serious thing.

I saw her again during the following week. We went for food after work and man, I’ve never been out with someone quite as intense and passionate as her. I’m a very laid back kind of a person. If I was excited about something, you’d probably not even know it and people often mistake this for a lack of enthusiasm. She was very much on the other end of the scale and not ever someone I could be with long term.

And yet, I did see her a few more times. Because I can’t deny she was fun to be with. She laughs a lot, she’s very random and, she kept me on my toes and, I don’t know, was sort of intoxicating. Yes, there was a lot of physical chemistry and if I’m honest that probably played a large part in why I continued to see her.

I’ve not had any contact with her for a couple of now and may not do so again. She might be onto the next one, which is alright. It would also not surprise me to hear from her again out of the blue. Which is fine too.

Talking of out of the blue, last night I received a happy Christmas/new year text from a girl I went on a few dates with much much earlier in the year. Totally unexpected but also quite welcome. She was a nice girl and we’ve talked about catching up in the new year.

***

I do have a new strategy for 2018 though, the focus of which is not going on dates and using online dating. No, the focus is on expanding my social circle, de-digitalising, and getting offline. Less clicking,  swiping and browsing. More attending, chatting and drinking. When I put it like that, which sounds more appealing?

I’ve joined a socialising group thing that hosts events and it’s specifically for people who want to expand their social circle and make friends organically in a city where that can be quite hard to do.

So, every and all apps and dating accounts have been deleted and disabled. No more being a nameless face in an enormous catalogue of people where someone better is a click away and you’re judged on your looks and ability to write a witty biography.

I’m going back to basics, talking to people in person and making connections face to face. Not everyone will like me, and I won’t like everyone, which is normal but I’m tired of 2 things:

• Being behind a laptop or mobile phone screen
• Using a platform where the specific aim is to find romance

If I look back at my earliest posts, I’ve always had a bit of an issue with the digital method of trying to find a partner and I don’t think that’s ever really gone away, I’ve just learned to tolerate it.

Virtually all my friends are married with children and I miss going out with them. There must be loads of people who are in this boat so it makes sense to connect with some of them and go from there without any of the pressures, disappointments and expectations that are intrinsically linked with online dating.

In hindsight, maybe I should have done this a long time ago. I can still blog about how this all goes of course, so keep an eye out. I’m really looking forward to going to my first event next week.

I hope everyone has a peaceful and happy 2018.

A really bizarre series of events

I’m going to write about a really bizarre series of events that happened a few weeks back.

Let me know what you make of this.

I had a first date planned with this girl I’d exchanged numbers with from the online dating world. We arranged to go out and then there was a strike on the London Underground. We decided two nights in advance that this would make meeting virtually impossible/an absolute nightmare and so we agreed to postpone.

The following night it was announced that the tube strike was in fact cancelled. Date back on then? We messaged about it but my date told me she had now made other plans.

Over the next day or so we arranged to meet on another night. The day before, I recieved a message from the girl to tell me that she was really sorry but she was going to a gig with her brother and that she completely forgot about because the tickets were bought so long ago.

Over the next few days, we arranged for yet another day and time to meet for our first date. The day of the date, I recieved a message from the girl to say that a friend had come over from Australia and was in her town for just one night so could we postpone.

Throughout all of this, my interest in this girl was dwindling big time as you can imagine, and I pretty much showed no enthusiasm for rearranging. Despite a complete absence of encouragement on my part, she still said she wanted to go on a date with me. I didn’t say no, but I was like ‘okay, sure’ kind of thing.

I was totally feeling just no emotion toward any contact with her at this point and was finding the whole thing quite strange. Like, when she cancelled, I wasn’t disappointed and when she expressed a continued desire to meet, I wasn’t excited either. I was just unfazed, I guess.

Anyway, a few days later, I recieved a message from her to tell me that she feels really bad but doesn’t think it’s a good time for her to start dating because she’s training for a new job and studying and thinks she needs to concentrate on those things, etc.

She ended her message by saying she would definitely be in touch and if, by the time I hear from her again, I’ve been snapped up then it would be her loss.

Some time went by – I’m not really sure how much – and I recieve another message from her. Remember, I’ve not contacted her or reached out because I firmly believe by now that we’ll never meet and I’ve lost interest. So this message starts off with a massive apology. She tells me she is sorry and that she hasn’t been entirely honest with me. She says that she has fallin in love with that friend that visited from Australia and that they are now a couple.

I was like, what the actual fuck?! I mean, I didn’t think any more of her messages could surprise me but this one was unexpected.

She was kind enough to tell me that it was just unfortunate timing, that she thought I was very handsome, funny and a good guy (bear in mind we’ve never even met!), that I will find someone and that I should hang in there.

Just the whole thing was utterly bizarre from start to finish. I don’t know if she was just saying this to spare my feelings but it did feel a little patronising particularly because we had not even met and she was saying things to me that you might say to someone after you’ve just broken their heart.

I wanted reply back with something like, “Alright love, don’t give yourself too much credit, I think I’ll be okay after missing out on someone I’ve never even met. My pillow isn’t exactly gonna be saturated with tears as I fall asleep tonight’.

But, obviously, I’m far too nice and polite to say that so I think I thanked her for letting me know and wished her all the best or something like that.

I mean, it’s impossible for me to say whether all/any/none of what she told in any of her messages is true, partially true or complete lies. It is in my nature to believe people, believe in their decency and that coincidences can happen and put people in difficult situations… but what do you make of all of that? Just put it down to internet weirdos?

Anyway, a very funny and pretty strange sequence of events ending with someone getting in a relationship. And, once again, that person not being me.

But I won’t worry. As someone recently advised me, I’ll just “hang in there”.

Back with a date story

There are lots of reasons why I haven’t written a post for two months. They are:

• I couldn’t be bothered
• I didn’t have anything particularly blog worthy to say
• I went on holiday
• I spent a lot of time and energy trying to find a new job
• I got really ill (don’t worry, I recovered)
• I moved to a new house
• I started a new job

So, basically, I’ve been busy and lazy and that’s why I’ve not blogged.

I did go out on a second date (I forget when) with the girl from my previous post, but that has taken a friendship route. I just didn’t feel anything romantic towards her but I think we will actually remain friends.

Anyway, tonight, I went out on a first date with someone new. I don’t know what else to tell you about it other than it was a disappointment. I was hopeful it would be a fun date based on messages we’d exchanged but it was not to be. I was not that attracted to her (can’t be helped) and she just wasn’t my kind of person personality-wise either.

So I began the walk home through a chilly autumnal north London evening, seemingly surrounded by embracing, arm-linked couples, and I confess I was pretty damn fed up. In a ‘f*ck this shit’ kind of way. You know when you try to do something and consistently fail and you’re just like, ‘oh just f*cking f*ck this shit, man, I cannot be doing with it’. And you pack it in and do something else instead. Yeah, it was like that.

I have another date pencilled in with someone for next week. We had to cancel our first date because of a tube strike, then she cancelled on me for the rearranged date because her friend was unexpectedly visiting or something. By this point, I was thinking , okay, well I can take a hint. But she messaged me yesterday to say she’d still really like to go out so yeah well the hell not, I’ll give it another whirl.

Nothing ventured…